Failing

failing

For some reason I always turn to this blog whenever I’m not feeling well – I’m trying to write more positive posts as well, I promise.

But at this moment, I need to get something off my chest. I’ve been a bit lost the past few days, and I don’t know how to get back on track again. So, I’ve always been a curious person who always wants to learn new things. My brain is always eager to engage in something it doesn’t know. However, at this moment I’m really struggling with that.

I’m working 40 hours a week, which takes away a lot of my time of course. Then I have my law studies that I’m doing next to work. And that makes up most of my week. Next to that I should also eat healthy, clean my apartment and do something else that I really like – but the thing is: I just don’t have the time. I really, really try to do everything I need to do every day, but still my master to do list is getting longer and longer and longer, and I can’t seem to handle it.

It’s either cleaning, or studying, or hobbies. But never all three of them. In order to finish my studies soon, I would have to spend all my free time after work for studying, the weekends as well. But then when can I relax? Although – I haven’t been able to relax in a long time. Whenever I’m trying to check off my to do list, I’m constantly worrying that I can’t possibly do everything I need to do. And on days when my body forces me to take a break? That’s when I feel bad for not doing anything productive.

I know, nowadays it’s all about self care – it’s just that, whenever I read a reminder that I shoult take care of myself or what I should do to take care of myself, I get really angry, like somebody is forcing me to do that.

So basically, whenever I’m working/cleaning/studying I’m worrying, when I’m taking a break I’m worrying and when I feel forced to take care of myself I get angry. It feels like there is something majorly wrong with me, but I seriously can’t stop. It is like I’m stuck in a hamster wheel with no way to get out.

Sometimes I start to thing about if it maybe was a mistake – moving out of my parents’ house to a different country and starting to work full time while also studying. Maybe I should’ve just stayed with them. But then again, I just wasn’t happy there anymore, I needed a fresh start.

At this moment though, this fresh start feels a lot like failing. Failing to fullfill the expectations at work. Failing to get further in my studies. Failing to get my life together. And I’m so so so scared that I have to go through all that alone.

Sometimes I feel this big weight on my shoulders, and don’t have any idea how to get that off. I know I’m not a machine, but I can’t stop trying to quit failing. It feels like I have to figure out a way to get through this. This is what’s keeping me up at night, this is why I’m writing this blog post at 11 p.m. One of my goals is to write more blog posts, so that’s what I’m doing….but why do I feel like such a fraud while writing this?

It seems that, whatever I try to do, I can’t seem to do it right. And this is getting really hard on me.

One thought on “Failing

  1. Hang in there, it’s not the results but your own measures of success that are in the way.

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