It’s again been pretty quiet on this blog. That’s because my life was pretty full, despite the lockdown. My apartment still needs organisation after moving in, there’s my work, my more or less full-time studies and apart from that I want to have some free offline time as well of course.
But over the last few days a lot of stuff has accumulated in my head…my brain gets busier and busier and my mood drops lower and lower the more my brain keeps spinning.
At this very moment it’s work that’s keeping my brain busy the most. (I’m actually writing this during working hours, but psst, don’t tell anyone. I have to get that out now, otherwise I’m not able to concentrate any further.) I’ve been working at this company for exactly three months now, and I’m confident to say I’ve learned a lot, but of course I’m not all-knowing and there’s still a lot to learn. However, it feels like everyone is expecting from me to know everything by now. Because every time I ask a question, I get an annoyed look a la “You should know that by now”. Before I even ask the question I always try to figure out if it is a necessary question or a “stupid” one, and most of the questions I ask now are because I really don’t understand something. Mostly at least. Am I really supposed to know everything now, even though I’ve not worked in this field before? I’m supposed to take over this project soon, but if there’s still processes that are unclear to me how can I, if nobody wants to explain? Okay, so no more asking questions I guess. On the other hand, if I do something by myself as far as I know by now (and looking at the reactions of my colleagues that should be a lot by now), I get the answer that that was the wrong thing to do and what I did was bad? Right – so no asking questions but not figuring out stuff on my own either because I would do it wrong? Where is the logic in that? Maybe I’m overreacting, and I should know a lot more than I do now…then that’s my fault, but then the feeling of being wrong where I am now would only increase…And everyone saying “if you don’t understand anything just ask” isn’t true then either, I guess? Looking at the reactions…
Okay, rant over.
Next thing on my mind is my studies. At the beginning of the semester Im thought that taking on a full load of classes would be fine, since most of them would be revision anyway. Well, turns out that was a stupid decision haha. I would have to spend more time on my studies than I have the time for. That led to me failing an important exam – I had a total blackout once the exam was handed out. To be honest, that sucked. But it was a wake up call – it means I have to change something about my schedule. So next semester it’s going to be only half the load of classes, and I’m going to use my holidays for studying everything I’ve missed so far. It’s going to be fine – I hope 😛
And then there’s this life-dominating thing…the lockdown, which just got extended for three weeks. Yay….I’m used to it by now, not that I have a big problem, but to be honest I’m really lonely. Not all the time, but some evenings are really hard, and that leads to my concentration being gone some days. Then I can’t focus on work, on my studies, on anything. And since this lockdown is going to continue for longer, this can’t keep happening. I need to find some kind of way to deal with this, but it’s getting harder every day. It’s definitely not easy spending all my time alone, I’m a person that needs her close friends. Yes I can talk to them on the phone, but that’s just not the same. So yes, I have to admit it: lockdown sucks. As much as I can understand it.
Okay, now I feel much better after writing this all down. I hope that the next post will be more positive again. See you next time! 🙂